“How To Catch A Creeper!” Online Dating Part 1–The Guys!

We, as a society, love our interwebz. We spend an inordinate amount of our days in front of the computer. We go to school online, we read books, do research, play games, social network, send and recieve email, trade commodities, shop, heck we can even order groceries over the internet! Why not use it to find love? It is, after all, one of those things that connects the globe!

Mini Poll! Who here has tried online dating?





Raised hand.


I’ll admit it. I have tried it. It didn’t work for me but I know a couple people that it did work for. MOSTLY though, I have heard horror stories. It’s scary out there! The internet, for all its anonymity, allows us to become whoever we want to be!  

Have you ever checked out the kind of profiles there are on dating websites? They are ridiculous. I think I am going to make this my new project. Unpeel the onion that is online dating.

I spent 15 minutes trolling a popular free dating site, me and my bad self on the hunt for a man. I figured, hey? What if I am being unfair? What if there are a whole host of acceptable men out there that I am just counting out because they chose the internet to be their “meeting place”? Afterall, some of my best girlfriends I have met online. A majority of my mom community, which is more like a sisterhood, is online. Online graduate school. Online craziness. Why NOT?



Observe the levels of creepy (and these are copied and pasted from profiles)! (My search criteria was “All of the USA, male, single, nonsmoker 25 or older”)


“…i don’t want no drama b!tches..i hate drama so if you got drama u n me ain’t gonna work. i dont like no needy b!tches …” (age 27)

Yes, because calling women “b!tches” makes you a real winner. 


“Well educated older gentlemen seeking sophisticated younger lady who appreciates the finer things in life and seeks to discover untold sensual pleasures.” (age 58)

No thank you, Grandpa. I do not, in fact, want to discover untold sensual pleasures with you and I feel sufficiently creeped out. 


“Are you tired of kissing the toads? Come kiss me instead! I know how to make a woman feel like a princess and I love to pamper my special lady with special gifts and the latest styles. Send me a wink and tell me how you think we could share our special gifts with each other?” (age 34)

Um, this comes across as “I have money. I will buy you Coach bags in exchange for your “special talents”.  Doesn’t every woman want a sugar daddy? HA. No. Thank you. Particularly not one who poses for cell-cam shots in the mirror. In boxers. Holding Keystone Light. If you want to buy me expensive gifts, fine. Drink better beer. Weirdo. 


“I’m not a doctor but, I’m pretty sure the people on Jersey Shore are the product of what happens when someone urinates during sex.” (age 23)

In the words of a friend of mine. “How utterly clever.” Forced wittiness is not my cup of tea. Not to mention when you have a “Situation” style pic, and imply that the Jersey Shore peeps are less than..that equals YOU being less than. Next. 


“Looking for an open-minded woman who don’t judge. I’m currently between jobs and prefer alternate transporation. I am just a simple guy, looking for a simple lady. I’m a nice guy, no cheating and i respect my mom….i have a roommate currently, actually, its my mom but only because the economy is so craptasitc.”  (age 29)

Between jobs. Looking for no judgement (implies that other have judged him in the past,). Simple guy (do you mean stupid simple or minimalist simple? ). I don’t think you are in the right stage of life to add a relationship. NEXT. 


“Hi there, what’s up ladies! My name is XXXXX and I am the proud father of 4 beautiful young girls. They are my world. I would take a bullet for them. I would kill for them. They are the light of my life. I love my girls. Currently I am seperated from the youngest ones mom. We aren’t going to get back together and I am looking for a lady who knows how to treat a man right. I need to protect my girls so don’t be thinking you can just meet my kids right away….” (age 25. Separated NOT divorced, oldest child is 8, youngest is 6 months)

Ok Baby Daddy. You got kids? Ok. Points for you for taking care of them. But FYI separated is not divorced. separated means STILL MARRIED. Ergo, not ok with me. Plus, I mean, there are two sides to every story and I wanna know what happened before getting anywhere near a man with 4 kids, including an infant. And where are the other mommies? Hmmmmm….No me gusta. 


“Lookin for a hot chick who likes to hang out and stuff. No kids. No Asians. No big girls. No shorties. Must be fit and hot. Hit me up to exchange pics.”

GRRRRRRRrrrr. It makes me want to respond with a super attractive pic of me, get him to email, and then send him a picture of toenail fungus labeled something naughty like, “Hey Hot Stuff, loved the profile! I took a pic for your eyes only! Enjoy! xoxo, Bex” Harumph. 

There are more, but you get the picture. I am sure there are normal, nice, non-creepy men on dating sites. In fact, I know there are. But this is the results of a very brief foray. I did not take the time to separate the good from the bad. Heck, I didn’t even go past page 3 to find these so-called “good guys.” This was what I found. Not promising, gentlemen. Either there really are more creepers than normal guys, or the creepers are just louder. Prepare yourself for next time when I go after my fellow ladies and see what kind of gems we are putting out there to catch ourselves a man!

Peace and cupcakes,


2 Responses to ““How To Catch A Creeper!” Online Dating Part 1–The Guys!”
  1. thegooddate says:

    LOL Oh that’s good. Can i reference this post of yours in a future post?

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