“Keeping it classy?” Online Dating Part 2- The Ladies


OK, we all had a good giggle over the atrocious things the gentlemen put in their online personals. It was funny, it was creepy, and well, yikes! But what about the ladies? We don’t get off scot-free. I went back to the same popular free dating site and changed my settings so I can see the “competition’ as it were. 

Ladies. 

Sisters. 

COME ON. 

I think some of you put the women’s movement back about 50 years and others of you seem so woefully misguided. Now, before I go any further, I want to point out that this is for pure entertainment and humor purposes. I don’t know these people and I purposefully opened the search up to the entire country to make it “fair.” I also wish everyone on the hunt for their missing puzzle piece the best of luck. Dating is hard, it is fun, but it is hard. I get that. I am no dating goddess and Lord knows I am socially awkward at times. I mask it with sarcasm and an almost pathological need to make people laugh. Moving on. 

Check out the ladies of the online dating world:

AWKWARD DESPERATION

[photo: weird webcam camera angle, stomach pouch, thong strings, strange unidentifiable tattoo, 80’s style cutoffs]
“Real woman looking for real man. No posers.” (age 27)                                                                                                          
Honey, you were going for sexy and powerful she-woman. You came across as: washed up 80’s hooker. You might want to rethink that photo. And define what exactly IS a “real man”?

MIXED MESSAGES

[photo: boob shot. Ample cleavage. Bleach blonde extensions with a Barbie pink shirt. Actually pushing the boobage towards the camera.]

Tagline: “Where are all the gentlemen?”

Quote: “ I’m tired of all the jerks out there. I deserve to be treated like lady. Just looking to see if there are any nice guys still left who know how to treat a woman.”

Okey doke. You want respect. We all do. Trust me. But what kind of message are you sending if the first thing you use to attract your potential puzzle piece is the twins? People are visual. You give them cheesecake shots, they assume you are cheesecake worthy. Seriously. Why should they think otherwise? You will get a lot of clicks but not from Mr. Right. Probably from Mr. “20 bucks say those aren’t real, dude nawwww” and maybe from some sketchy characters but…boob shot profile pic? Sending mixed messages.

BLATANTLY SEXUAL COUGAR

[ photo: leggy, attractive middle-aged woman, clearly in clothing a bit young for her age, red dress, power heels, come and get me glare and a drink in her hand.]\

Experienced woman seeking adventurous man with the stamina to keep up with me for wherever life takes us.” (her age 45. Seeking: 22-32 year old man)

Y’ok, lady, at least you are honest. I like the emphasis on “stamina” that was fun. Barf.

EMO KID

[photo: very plain with unfortunate angle, terrible lighting and no smile or bright eyes. Very glum.]

You probably won’t even talk to me. I don’t know why I bother anymore. ”

You’re right, I won’t hit you up for romancin’ but I will give you the crisis number and send you a referral to a counselor for depression. Finding a person won’t change how you feel about yourself, only you can do that. Get help, peanut!

LOW SELF ESTEEM AND ANGRY

[photo: larger face shot, bad angles, bad makeup, bad hair] (did you take this after a 48hr car ride with no shower?!? C’mon, you are supposed to be attracting people, not scaring them!]

Essential Intel: I have 4 kids at home but I only have 2 babys dads, I like being around my kids when they are nice to me. I hate how I feel now and I need that special someone to cheer me up.

Uhh. Aside from your picture which is, by the way, terrible. I think everyone has beauty but unless you were going for some sort of failed hipster irony you could not have picked a WORSE photo of yourself. Also, I would avoid leading with the baby daddy sitch. And the cheering up? I think that’s how you got 4 kids. Be careful with the cheering.

HEY LOOK, I’M LEGAL NOW!

[ photo: very scantily clad “18 year old” in what could only be described as “adventurous lingerie” and goth/club eye makeup ]

Looking for you, handsome! I like kissin’ and cuddlin’ and relaxin’ at home. I love to hang in my parents hot tub and I plan to one day change the world. “

First question: do your parents know you are pimping out their hot-tub for your online friends? Two: You better make damn sure you are in fact over the age of 18 if you are going to post THAT picture. Three: The mother in me wants to lock you up in a convent. NOOOooooo. You can stop the skank, sweet pea. Just say no!

PRAY TOGETHER

[ photo: The Virgin Mary. Not kidding]

Looking for a Godly man who wants to start out as friends and work together to discern God’s will for our lives. I have put my future relationship in God’s hands and if you are the man that He has set aside for me, I want you to know that I pray for you daily. I know that He who created all things will guide us to one another and I know that you, being the Godly man that our Lord has chosen for me, will understand my passion and desire for remaining pure of heart, mind and body until that time in which we become one.”

I LOL’d a lot. Ok. Stopping the giggling. I’m a woman of faith, I get wanting to share that but this is the WRONG FORUM BABY CAKES! This is a website that seems to be used predominately because it is a) free and b) gives off a safer vibe than craigslist. And the phrasing “until that time in which we become one” might want to be revisited. LOL.

There are many more, and to be fair to the ladies, I got all the way to page 5 of the search results before getting wholly creeped out. It seems that we are all on a journey but the victor of this round, in the battle of “Who is less creepy? Clear winner: the ladies. Best of luck to you, my dear online daters! Coming up next time: Online Icebreakers!

Love, snuggles and a lit candle for our respective souls,

Bekah


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