New Year, New Visions! Astrological Booty (01/26/12)

The New Year is here. It is officially 2012 and has been for a month. We survived a month of 2012, isn’t that bloody fantastic?! If the Mayan’s/end-of-the-world predictors are to be believed, it may be the last year this imperfect planet has left. Well. I don’t know if that is the case or not but dang, we should try to have a good time in the meantime. It is time to resurrect those lovely predictions for astrological bliss and heartache. To see what the stars see and to foresee your future, oh what a task is ahead! And now, with no further delay your (drum roll please):


Horoscopes, divined from the great Diva McKidlet (a Seer in her own right), for the week of: Thursday, 01/26/2012

ARIES: Last year was kind of rough, wasn’t it? It was but the good news is that this year should be a better. At least in the minutiae. Today would be a great day to get your eyebrow situation fixed. You know what I am talking about…let’s start of the new year without…that… ‘K? Thanks.

TAURUS: This week is va-va-voom in the romance department. You sly and silly bull, you. You are off to CONQUER. Try to do it with some grace though, you wouldn’t want to be the bull in the china shop, would you? No. I thought not. I recommend practicing those pick up lines with that fun neighbor you have. The one who looks like Trelawny from Harry Potter. She is a wealth of pick-up knowledge. Use it.

GEMINI: What you have been waiting for is almost at hand. It would probably be best if you accept it now. It’s happening. Nothing your devious mind can come up with is going to change that. Celebrate it, don’t hate it. Haters gonna hate but you, my friend, have good times ahead. Or at least different times. Avoid rickshaws. Those suckers can be dangerous.

CANCER: Cancer, cancer. Well, this year your luck does not change much so they tell me. It’s ok though. We are getting used to your oddness. Plus, bright side? If we make it to 2013, your luck might change. For now? Keep on keeping on and pick up a hobby. Like gardening.

LEO: Can you ROAR like a lion? You are going to have cause to do so! Practice your “smizing” and look fierce. The photogs are after your sexy mug as an alternative to the Oscar statue. They could be waiting behind any corner…be ready.

VIRGO: Virgo! What happened to you? You are supposed to be the gentle, mellow one! But noooooooo, you have to be a REBEL. Humph. Tone it down a notch this week and stop flying faster than your guardian angel can fly!! You know what happens when you make that a habit, don’t you? They take away your angel and give you a guardian gargoyle. Think about that.

LIBRA: You should avoid caves. There is a strong cosmic likelihood that should you enter a cave, you will be locked in with a bowl of techno colored goldfish, a pet pony and a stereo that ONLY plays John Mayer. It’s either that or you might get locked in the Costco cold section. The Guides were unclear. I would avoid both to be safe. Unless you like John Mayer.

SCORPIO: The gym should be avoided this week due to the prevalence of foot fungus. That new years resolution to get in shape can wait until next week, continue to play on your Wii and pin things on pinterest. On the bright side, that new recipe you just found? It’s delicious and has a 65.786% chance of NOT giving you food poisoning. The Guides were very specific this week.

SAGITTARIUSYour natural trends toward sarcasm are not serving you well in the romance department this week, Sag-lover. You are confusing the crap out of people. Sloowwww down. Speak clearly. Don’t rush. STOP using euphemisms for everything and chill the heck out. This week would be a good one to try out decaf, you are more wired than the electric chair.

CAPRICORN: You are a funny one. Except when you aren’t. That joke you re-told from that office party 4 months ago? It was funny the last 867 times you told it, but here’s a secret. The fun dies in re-telling 868. This week, research new jokes and indulge your inner Hallmark and write some new greeting card greetings for made up holidays…like National Pop Top Can Collector Day.

AQUARIUS: Good things are happening to you this week, oh Golden one. REALLY good things. Like, they will make a Lifetime movie about how many good things are happening to you this week. Except that Lifetime rarely does happy movies, they always do movies where the baby is lost and the mom has to become a hooker to support the family and the dad is actually a serial arsonist with proclivities towards inappropriate relationships with goldfish. Weird. Maybe a HALLMARK movie! Like the ones where the dog saves the whole town and everyone gets $500 from the generous millionaire who falls in love. Either way, I look forward to hearing about it next week.

PISCES:  I really, really wish your mascot wasn’t a fish. Fish are STILL creepy, even in 2012. However, I wouldn’t want that to offend you, dear fishy one. So here’s the thing. This week you may feel baited by a co-worker but DO NOT BITE and instead, avoid the clever hook into conflict and continue going along your own merry channel. Ha. See what I did there? Ha. Good luck, fishy fish fish.

If you have a question that needs an answer, please, post it in the comments and you may see it next Thursday!

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May the odds be ever in your favor!

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