Tutti Frutti Astrological Booty (11/10)


It’s Thursday again! Time for your Zodiac revelation! This week it is brought to you by the makers of generic daytime cough-cold-and-flu medication. Without that lovely orange flavor, this blogging goddess would be unable to forsee your future. You too, can have some of this magic by stumbling bleary eyed to your local pharmacy or grocery and asking, between coughs and strange half-awake blurbs, “I….sick….need…magic…medicine.” I am sure one of the highly trained sick translators would be happy to assist you. And now, with no further delay your (drum roll please)

TUTTI-FRUTTI ASTROLOGICAL BOOTY:

Horoscopes, divined from the great Diva McKidlet (a Seer in her own right), for the week of: Thursday, 11/10/11

ARIES: Oh Aries. Last week was hard. It was frustrating. The hiatus from the kitchen caused you to have a severe dent in your pocketbook. This week is going to be different. The kitchen is, once again, safe for you. However, sleep will elude you like a foxy little weasel. You will awaken repeatedly thinking you need to shower and wondering why there are people accosting you at every turn. This is normal. It is the changing of the seasons. If you lay off the Axe, don’t marinate in your cologne AND shower regularly, these dreams shall become a thing of the past.  Also, that star tattoo you want to get above your left eyebrow? Rethink that. Just sayin’.

TAURUS: Taurus I hope you’re happy. You won last week but now karma is having some fun. Your extreme determination, while such an asset at times, is going to portray itself as arrogant this week. You thought you knew all the answers. You certainly work hard for the results but you will be bested, oh hungry bull. Your DDR score is…a thing of the past now. Get your persistence in gear and lumber back to the mall to practice. You can overcome this, Taurus. I have faith.

GEMINI: Your child-like fascination with how things work in the world around you has paid off, big time. Last week you rescued everyone from certain demise in the elevator and this week you are being called for more heroics. One might even say you are the up-and-comer of the Zodiac. This week get your dictionary out and prepare for a discussion on the merits of chartreuse vs. mauve. That’s right, dear Gemini, your quick wit and discerning taste is being called in to solve a fashion emergency. Be ready. Be clear. Be bold.

CANCER: I foresee a blast from the past, Cancer. You continue to walk in a fog but this time you are going to bump into someone. Wearing a helmet might not be a bad idea. This blast from the past could be pivotal so make sure you fully ascertain what they want before you answer. Don’t wait too long though, you don’t want to give them the impression that you are a dolt. Also, check the oil on that hayburner you drive. Something says it needs to be looked into.

LEO: You’re famous, Leo. Unlike dear Virgo who has to push to move like Jagger, you share a sign with Mick Jagger. You are almost twins. Take this predisposition for fame and fortune and channel it this week. No get-rich-quick schemes for you, instead taking an interest in current events might prove profitable. For pointers, contact some Occupiers. They seem to be raking in donations for whining and with your marketing skills, you could make this BIG. Work on it.

VIRGO: Virgo, this week you are probably going to get sick. You won’t be super sick, never  fear, but you will be under the weather. In your typical optimism though, take that inspiration you have always had to make an adaption to “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” for an all-dog choir and get to training those pups. A-Whoooooooo!

LIBRA: You sexy nerd, you. You sly vixen. You may think we don’t notice you sitting in the corner. Au Contraire, dear Libra. We notice you. We see those hipster glasses you try and hide behind. Those darling distressed-on-purpose-to-look-like-thrift-store-find jeans.  Your hatred of conflict is matched only with your love of bizarre and undiscovered indie folk music. This week you may feel compelled to do some good in the world. Do not ignore this feeling. It could change your life. It could change your philosophy. It could…blow.your.mind. Don’t be afraid, go forth and conquer. Peacefully.

SCORPIO: It is time to come out of hiding, Scorpio, and admit what you have been denying for so long. You, formally ruled by the planet-that-used-to-be-a-planet-but-is-no-longer Pluto, have a secret that you share with your Zodiac-Mate Prince Charles. You can admit it. It’s ok. We are here to welcome you just the way you are. Your marathons of Jon & Kate Plus 8 are accepted by us, the Seers of the Zodiac, if not by your peers, family, friends and co-workers. Let free your secret shame and live in the open, Scorpio. Be free.

SAGITTARIUSMy, my , my but we are GRUMPY this week, Sag. Seriously! Who peed in your Monster-O’s? Your natural leaning towards travel being smothered by such boring things as bills and work must be making you cranky as hell. Get out there and go somewhere, grumpy-pants. Maybe you should go to Hawaii. Get Lei’d.

CAPRICORN: Capricorn. Caprice is not your game. Come out of your shell a bit and you might notice that crush you have had forever? Yeah, don’t lie. You know the one. I know the one. We ALL know. Well, that crush is probably going to flirt with you this week. Bring your “A” game because it is on like a quiet and reserved game of donkey kong.

AQUARIUS: Last week was fun. You didn’t end up on Youtube , did you? All is good. Your fun has been had and now you must get back to work. Aquarius is your name, saving the world is your game. This week your focus will be November appropriate as you campaign for the unfed goats and sheep in the world. If they could talk, they would thank you. For now, accept our humblest BAAaaa.

PISCES:  Have you turned into a Merperson yet? No. Still a fish, huh? Well it is going to come in handy this week because there will be an occasion where swimming because a necessity. So bust out your fins with pride and show ‘em how it’s done!

MISSED LAST WEEK? Never fear. Catch up here!

The question of the week is:

Dear Bekah, My best friend is pregnant and so happy but she keeps comparing child-raising to dog ownership and it makes me crazy! How do I explain to her that she is giving birth to a human and not a 6lb 7oz Lab? –Mommy to a Kid and FurChild

Dear Mommy KidFur,

Remember when you were first pregnant with kiddo and had ALL the answers. She is in that stage. She will learn with time. Peacefully ignore it and wait patiently for the day when your newsfeed on Facebook states, “OMG, my baby just chewed off my table leg and my dog just slobbered my new shoe.” It will feel strangely cathartic. -Bekah

If you have a question that needs an answer, please, post it in the comments and you may see it next Thursday!

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