Tutti Frutti Astrological Booty (11/4)

TUTTI-FRUTTI ASTROLOGICAL BOOTY: Horoscopes, divined from the great Diva McKidlet (a Seer in her own right), for the week of:

Thursday, 11/4

Aries. Aries, it is not going well for you this week. Frustration at every turn. Avoid the kitchen if you can, nothing but good can come of it with the way things are going for you. A strict diet of take-out and iced tea would be best to reset your cosmic standing.

Taurus. Oh Taurus. You win this week. Your week will be truly magnifico. You will encounter not one, not two, but THREE beautiful strangers with whom you will plan for an event. You have been waiting for this chance for a long time, but it is here Taurus. It is here. Take it and run with it, you beautiful bull. Don’t hurt yourself! 😉

Gemini. Your fun loving and cunning self will probably have to McGyver out of an elevator sometime this week. Feeling up to it? You should be. We need your brains to get us out. Get your intelligent little booty over here and fix it!

Cancer. I foresee dismal times ahead for the next few weeks. Or maybe that is simply the weather report. Do you feel like you are walking around in a fog? Don’t forget to put your fog lights on. One can only see through the mist if one is confident about where to go. Remember this. Learn it. Love it. Live it.

Leo.  The lion. You are brave and courageous. You are theatrical and enthusiastic. This should come in handy for kareoke night this week. I would recommend something from The Lion King. Sing it loud, sing it proud, baby!

Virgo. Oh dear, my dear Virgo. Your natural quietness is not in character this week. It is time to stop resisting the moves like Jagger that you know you have. I foresee an explosion of dance coming from you this week. Embrace it. Form a flash mob. Realize the passion beating inside! DANCE BABY DANCE!

Libra. Like many Libra’s you are probably tired of being confused with librarian. Don’t be. Librarians are hot. Knowledge is sexy. This week, instead of fighting the draw towards the stacks. Instead of resisting the need to use full sentences instead of acronyms, let your inner nerd shine. A comic book store and a reference libray are both places you are destined for this week.

Scorpio. The Scorpion. You are known for stinging with your rapacious wit but inside beats the heart of a poet, not a warrior. Spend your week in quiet contemplation and soothe your troubles with the petting of baby ducks and baby chicks to commune with nature.  Don’t hurt them. They are just babies.

Sagittarius: Spelling is going to be difficult for you this week but your brazen love of life will undoubtedly prevail. Just make sure you spell-check extra hard so you don’t make some embarrassing errors! Also avoid cows this week. It could prove perilous, even for your archer self. Don’t try it.

Capricorn. Well Cappy, you are the master of your own destiny. The wind to your own sails.  Your soul is being called to the great seas of travel. The oceans of adventure. Or, maybe just Red Lobster. Either way. Be ready.

Aquarius. It is shaping up to be a perverse week for you, you naughty minx. Ooo la la! Do what you need to do but try not to let it get on Youtube. Be aware of your surroundings and if you see a purple daisy, good luck will soon follow. If it be blue, there is gum on your shoe. This never fails.

Pisces.  Fish. Those big googly buggy eyes. Those slimy, cold and scaly denizens of the deep. I bet you get tired of being called “fishboy” (or “fishgirl”) don’t you? Wellll, too bad. You are the zodiac fish. The best you can hope for is to be the best dang fish you can be this week. The lucky ones turn out to be Merpeople. Do you feel lucky this week, fishboy, DO YOU? I guess we will find out!

Dear Bekah, My boyfriend is super lazy and all he wants to do is watch TV and drink beer. It makes me crazy! It’s like I’m dating my sofa! How can I disconnect him from his TV and reconnect him to me?  –Stuck Holding The TV Guide

Dear Stuck,

What a frustrating problem. Opening up the lines of communication seems like a good first step. I would then evaluate if you want to be in a LTR with your sofa-man. If you never talk or do anything together except watch TV and fetch him another beer, you might want to look elsewhere. Have a conversation. Flip the breaker in the power box so the cable shuts off and make a picnic in your living room. Tell him he can bring the beer, you will bring the candles and you can reintroduce him to life interacting with humans. Try not to burn the house down!! -Bekah

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